The Vampire Diaries Recap: Stefan vs. Damon, Round Seven: On Wednesdays, We Wear Pink

Hey, everyone. Did you guys have a nice vacation? Did you bake a lot of pies and go outside and stuff? Good, because The Vampire Diaries is back, and it means business. Last night’s episode was fun and actually a welcome reprieve from the emotional torment we’ve suffered over the last few months. Elena’s off switch turned her into a full-on mean girl, the sire bond may have been broken (whatever), and, most important, STEFAN SMILED.

To the debate!

It’s Stefan’s Party, and He’ll Dance If He Wants To
Remember how Stefan gets Caroline points?
Right. Caroline showing up in her bathrobe gets a plus 9. Actually, this whole scene gets an additional plus 12. Stefan’s face when Elena walked in naked was amazing. He looked genuinely perplexed. Also, is this show becoming an extended double date now? Because we would totally be okay with that, writers.

Stefan’s little confrontation with Elena was cute but sad. “You’re better than this,” he said, as she used him as her personal jungle gym. No, Stefan, YOU’RE better than this. Minus 4.
Stefan spent way too much time on the phone with his brother, talking about his ex-girlfriend, while at a CHEERLEADING COMPETITION. Sigh. It is, however, why we love him. Plus 4.
Stefan vervained Elena. She totally deserved it. Plus 7.
Did Stefan really put Elena in Damon’s bed? Geez. We would minus points, but remember that time in season two when Damon laid Elena’s lifeless body by Stefan’s lifeless body? On that rock? After that sacrifice? There are many things to say about this, but the predominant one is really: change is the only constant in life. Plus 3.
The next scene between Stefan and Elena was interesting. First off, we liked that he admitted seeing her stripping was manipulative. Like, it’s manipulative to US, and we have never dated her. Secondly, this line: “I see you standing there and you look good,” because, yeah, Paul Wesley. But this hurt: “Look at you. Your whole world revolves around me.” Plus 9 for when she talked about their old sex life, though. It was good. We remember.
Stefan flung Caroline over his shoulder and then they danced and laughed and smiled and — I remember absolutely nothing else from this episode. Plus 50. Because if this is the beginning of what we think it is, the greatest love story this show has ever told hasn’t even happened yet.
It broke our Stefan heart a little that Elena didn’t seem jealous of Caroline, because it felt like it broke his heart a little, too. “Take him out for a spin, he could use it.” Ouch. Minus 10.
“If you see her, don’t hesitate, just snap her neck.” The eye contact that followed was the purest, truest form of love. Or friendship. Whatever — Stefan and Caroline forever. Plus 10.
Stefan and Caroline made a pact not to give up on Elena. Plus 20. There really aren’t enough points for this particular team, but we will continue to dole them out.

Total: 110

Damon Doesn’t Want to Play Scooby-Doo
Vampire Prozac — Plus 6. Damon was pretty free and fun-loving in this episode. We dug it.
Damon reading Klaus the list of things he sucks at was hilarious. Those two. Plus 3.
Plus 10 for Damon and Rebekah teaming up. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: We do not care who Rebekah shares screen time with, so long as she is on. A lot.
The introduction of a friend (?) from Damon’s past has us intrigued. We recognize Damon’s “caring” look when we see it, and it was definitely on. No points, but color us curious. Plus: flashbacks!
“Life sucks when you’re ordinary.” This could quite possibly be Damon’s life philosophy, right here. Plus 12.
“Under any other circumstances this would be a major turn on.” Oh, Damon, I’m sure it still was. Plus 3.
“I’m not big on goal setting but let’s just imagine a time when you don’t want to kill your best friend.” That one made us laugh, but we’re a little confused — does Elena feel for Damon? If she’s turned off her emotions and the sire bond is broken, does she feel anything? Why does she still want to be with him? And if she still wants to sleep with him, is it not based on emotion at all? We’ve seen Ian Somerhalder, so, like, to be clear, that seems totally reasonable. There is still much to be uncovered, here, but in the meantime — plus 3. More where that came from soon.

Total: 37

Bonus Points:
Man, Elena sucked last night in the best possible way. Nina Dobrev never ceases to amaze. She gave Regina George a serious run for her money. Girl. Did. Not. Care. About anything or anyone. From dropping Caroline in the middle of cheerleading to telling Stefan she was point-blank over him, she nailed this dehumanized Elena. But hey, E? Don’t mess with blondie again. We won’t always be this forgiving. Plus 15.
Is that really how vampires overhear things? Like an old-timey static radio? No points, but that shower scene was weird.
Sheriff Forbes’s moment about Jeremy was sweet and reminded us that these are real (fictional) characters with families and histories. These tragedies have affected them all. Plus 6.
“Painting is a metaphor for control.” Um, no, sorry. But we did like the return of Klaus’s “art.” Character consistency! Plus 2.
Klaus got laid! I know some of you are probably bummed it wasn’t with Caroline, but Hayley is rad, and seeing them get down was, well, hot. And disturbing. But when is it ever just one on this show? Plus 10.
“You fight like a girl.” Oh, hell no. Minus 15, Elena. Our Caroline is a wo-man.
The final scene with Matt and Caroline was wonderful. Everything from hearing Michael Trevino’s voice to Caroline’s breakdown to Matt’s embrace reminded us of how much we really do love this particular friendship. Plus 13.

Total: 31

Stefan won this round. With the power of Caroline by his side, dude is unstoppable.

Next week, Elena and Damon go to New York City … and have sex on a rooftop.